I am certain that there is better than a 50-50 chance that all of what I am about to say is a product of having been bitten by the 'black dog.' In a previous post I wrote about this, providing a description of being beset with depression arising from the circumstances of life. One possible manifestation of such a state is the tendency to think that life is nearing its end, that one is getting ready to kick the proverbial bucket.
But let me emphasize I am NOT suicidal or homicidal. I have never wished to harm another human being in any way. And I believe that only God gets to decide when this life is over, not me. Thus, such a thing is not even remotely a part of my thinking.
My problem is more of a feeling, an internal thought process that has led me to believe that my time on this earth is nearing its end.
Now, don't start to panic or to become alarmed. All of this, as I said, is probably more of a product of my emotional state than anything else. Nonetheless, the feeling is there, and I have been forced by circumstances to at least consider the fact that I may be nearing the end -- this year or next year. My Mother, God rest her soul, died at roughly the same age I am now. So did my beloved maternal grandmother.
When I think of the losses I have encountered throughout my life, sometimes I wonder how on earth I lived this long. I don't see how I survived it. Despite outward appearance, I am a deeply feeling person, deeply empathetic to the suffering of others. I have usually been able to cover that up in order to avoid disclosing to others what I am truly feeling internally. And it has seemed to me that with each loss I experienced, with each disappointment, with each failure to reach what to me was an important goal, I felt each blow deeply within my body, with each organ and each cell taking a hit that gradually depleted me of energy, fight, and motivation, the life beaten right out of me.
There are aspects of my life that I never write about. Privacy has prevented it. But needless to say there is much going on behind the scenes that make this existence painful, physically and emotionally. Often I wake up wondering how on earth I am going to make it another day. And then at night I wonder how on earth I am going to recoup my internal resources to face the next day. Sleep is difficult under these circumstances, not to mention the physical pain I encounter that makes sleep impossible.
I told you about some of my losses -- my Mother and my Grandmother -- but this is far from the gist of it. I lost others in my family that meant the world to me. I was very close to all of them, and I miss them terribly. And then, there was my beloved dog. Some people hear or read my account of my special bond with Bo, a Lhasa Apso who seemed to know me in a way one would not associate with a dog, and they find the whole thing amusing. But Bo was special in every way. He was like the child I never had. He WAS my child. And when he died (I had him for 15 years), it was a blow that I had never experienced except for my Mother's death. The fact that he is gone has left a major gap in my heart, a gaping hole in which there is nothing but emptiness. I have had many other dogs all of my life, being a "dog person." I have a good little dog now. But none of them are like Bo. That is not their fault. It is just that Bo was that unique and special. To this day I wish he would appear out of nowhere to lick my hand as he always did, and then find himself a place to lay at my feet, giving me last brief lick on my foot to let me know he was there just before going to sleep.
Of course the physical malady I have does not help matters at all. I get tired of constant pain, inflammation, eye problems, and a dozen other aspects of this disease.
Looking ahead to the future of our nation, frankly I don't see any way out of the current predicament peacefully. It will take an all out war to reclaim and restore the authority of the Constitution and its Bill of Rights. And I am not jumping for joy over the midterm elections next month. The people we are fighting are experts at fighting dirty. They lie at the drop of the hat. They throw people in jail to silence them. They undermine the Constitution and our rights by using their like-minded vermin in Congress, the vast bureaucracy, state governments, and the courts. If they can't get the people to approve of their tyranny at the ballot box, then they get one of their blacked robed scoundrel judges to "rule" on it on their behalf. And let's not forget these people wrote the book on voter fraud and election tampering.
Frankly, I don't know for sure that our fellow citizens will help us in getting rid of the Senate Majority. There is simply too much corruption in the system. Too many payoffs in exchange for votes. This means we get another term in which Harry Reid leads the Senate, he and his Democrat vermin who are actually nothing more than "progressive" Marxists.
I don't trust the electorate anymore. Right next door to me, North Carolina on one side and Georgia on the other, the brain dead vermin are getting ready to vote Kay Hagan right back into the Senate, where she votes 96 percent of the time in favor of Obama's Fascist-Marxist programs. And down in Georgia is yet another Obama-Clinton worshipper waiting in the wings, Michelle Nunn. If they do this in North Carolina and Georgia, then I will no longer be able to hold out any hope for the salvation of this nation as a Constitutional Republic based on human liberty.
Don't even try to come out with your rank stench of horse ca ca by claiming you hate Obama but enthusiastically support Nunn, Hagan, Joni Ernst in Iowa, or Greg Orman of Kansas, who claims he is an "independent" but is actually being pushed by Harry Reid and the Democratic Party. Your actions speak louder than words, and your votes for these persons only prove you are one of the Obama vermin who are actually destroying this country as we know it.
Why would I want to live in such a society? What am I fighting for? The populace acts as though it does not care. Another group cares but wants the hope and change horse ca ca of Obama. Those who truly want to restore the Republic are few and far between.
Huh? You protest that last statement? Then PROVE IT. Get out there and refuse to vote for any Democrat in any race. And get your family, friends, and neighbors to do the same thing. By all means VOTE! But don't cast your vote for a single Democrat if you want to help your country survive.
I get very tired of having to do this. But as long as I am breathing I can't help it. To me, to live is Christ first and foremost, and then to seek to restore the Founders' vision for a free society based on maximum individual liberty. The thing is, I get worn out fighting for these things. And this is one of the reasons I feel that my time may be short on this earth.
If this is true, am I scared? Not one bit. I used to be afraid of death. Not anymore. One day I noticed it went away, and I had the clearest message from Christ saying that death is no big deal, only a door that leads straight to His arms. So, I am not afraid at all. When my time comes, I will be excited to look up and see the face of Jesus.
In the meantime, I will fight even if it is limited to this computer. And if one day you awaken and find the news that I am no more, well, I will be safe in the arms of Christ in a place far, far away from wicked human beings who make life miserable for the rest of us.